I had a pretty great weekend.
Friday, Jack and I explored downtown Monroe
Found an abandoned facility with mountains of compressed cardboard
Also, Ivan's bachelor party was a lot of fun, very nostalgic.
But I missed the 20s/30s game night which I understand was a blast.
Saturday was Ivan's wedding. Which was really nice.
I want a small wedding like that.. maybe even smaller.
I'm proud of that guy, I really do love him to death
And I'm glad to see him moving in a good direction
and Sunday, I got to play guitar, which is exciting.
I feel like I can worship more freely with a guitar than a bass
I don't know if it's because the guitar is smaller and lighter
I don't know, I'm very sloppy on guitar though, I need to practice more.
And the Saints won (obviously). Pretty exciting.
I'm glad I was alive to see it, I mean I'm proud of them
And I'm glad for all those hopeful die-hards who've been waiting so long.
And I think.. sometimes.. I'll make a fool of myself just to take my mind off of something
Or even worse, I'll cause one problem to hide from another..
They say you can stop a fire by starting a bigger one right next to it..
If it's explosive enough.. like a huge fire starting all at once..
it will suck the oxygen out and basically kill itself and the other fire..
Craziness
I'm so sick of this cold crap.
I don't have a heater and that stupid shadow is about as scary as a potato
So for the love all that is sacred, let there be Spring!
And I refuse to give in to this pea coat fad.
Idk why I'm so adamant about it
Because they look so stinkin cool hah
listen to me ramble on
Sometimes my soul is just sick and polluted with this separation, and it weighs so incredibly on my life. When I fall flat on my face like that I'm so stubborn. I can hear God screaming my name and asking for me to take his hand and I'm just so ignorant and reluctant to take any help from even the Almighty. Why am I so selfish and stupid?
Sometimes I get impatient with God in regards to (very) specific things. So I decide to make my own move in whichever direction seems greatest. And suddenly my prayers are answered! Oh glorious day! But look at how I've misplaced my self and here is God's will just out of reach, practically teasing me. My own ignorance will never cease to amaze me.
I will stand back up and I will "Keep On Truckin'" as Eddie Kendricks might say. It's becoming more and more frequent that I realize that I can not live without God's word and love in my life. I'm as stubborn as ever. I have to change that.
In so many ways.
It breaks my heart
Because I watch my friends cope with it, and they're all handling it differently and not well at all I don't think.
I wonder if I'm the only one that notices and, beyond that, actually wants to fix it all.
I would like to keep this in prayer.
We just started Advanced TV in Los Angeles,
so the calls are about to start picking up.
Every breath I take feels like something is ripping apart my esophagus.
I love being just sick enough to be miserable, but I still have to go to work.
I hate sitting here day after day. I feel like I'm wasting my life away.
I should be doing more. I don't even know how to begin though.
I think if God can love people, then I should be able to also. I mean if he can do it without hesitating at all, then I should be able to find a way to get around my self and my wants and I should be able to love others regardless of who they are or what they've done. I hope this is something I can accomplish. I would like my life to be defined by praise. I don't think I'll be very satisfied otherwise. I would like to know that I spent every possible moment pursuing God's will. Oh and sometimes I'm so uncertain. God doesn't speak clearly to me most times. I really feel like I'm wandering around in a dark room sometimes and.. I don't know, I just have to trust God and have faith which can be a pain the butt.
I've kept up with this site for quite a few years now
I just realized some of you may be interested??
www.deviantart.com
lots of cool stuff if you have patience with it
That was a fun half-hour. I didn't even realize this sort of thing was possible.
Today I will..
I will
I will
I will buy some markers. And I will venture into my father's office as he sleeps the day away. There lay his sketchbook and pencils (which he makes no use of) and I shall make them my own and I will draw and color to my heart's content. I've been meaning to do this since November, and I think Elly's art has motivated me further. I'm pretty excited to try these markers out. I hope to actually frame a few of these drawings. Oh! I should definitely show you guys my dad's drawings from when he was younger. I don't know why he didn't pursue art further. He has some sketches of landscapes that really are very good. He also did some cross-stitching sort of thing that I think is a really cool sort of art. We'll see if I can get that dusty scanner up and running though.
Here's something else that I absolutely must have.
There are two full time positions open here at my branch of CenturyLink. I'm not sure if anyone ever reads this mess, but if you do then please keep me in your prayers. I could definitely use a full time position here or maybe a second job elsewhere, but it's whatever God wants in the end. Thanks in advance.
I had a very pleasant dream last night.
I woke up at 4am with a silly smile on my face.
I'm quite certain it was a silly smile.
Christianity in it's entirety is completely incomprehensible to me. I can't wrap my mind around this Never-Ending, Ever-Lasting Love that died so I wouldn't have to suffer for my terrible sins. Now I have a chance at accepting Redemption and spending Eternity in a big tub of this Love. I mean that very idea seems so fantastic. I also cannot understand sin. My sin is so absolutely disgusting to me and I want nothing to do with it, but it never fails that I end up falling flat on my face because of it. It's almost like a complete loss of control. Sin has taken over and I'm hardly conscious of it. It makes me feel worthless and stupid because I honestly can't explain where the push to sin is even coming from.
Someone said (in so many words) that God grows tired of us singing the same old songs about how we feel and how he helps us and pulls us out of our sins. He said we need to redirect our lyrical approach. I think that's complete bull crap. The angels have been singing the same chorus for all of Eternity and I can't find a reason for them to ever stop or change to something different. I just don't think God would get any more tired of what we're doing in His name than he would of what the angels are doing. He loves us and I think he loves any and every attempt we make at glorifying His name.
I want to pursue art as a small hobby.
In particular pen/pencil sketches and coloring with markers
Hmmmmmmmmmm
I don't trust myself when it comes to some things. In particular, when a girl catches my eye. I usually just let them keep it because I'm scared they wouldn't give it back in the first place. Also, sometimes I'm playing an ignorant fool and I don't have a mind for it. That's a lot of fun.
Castles always seem to be impossibly set into the side of some extravagant mountain or perhaps on top of an ugly hill. I see a castle and I think I marvel more at it's foundation and overall structure than the decorations inside or the history around it. I think the best drummers are like these loud and ugly mountain sides that are quite displeasing until some skillful team of architects and stone masons come along and build this stronghold of bright halls and marvelous chambers and it's something that anyone can appreciate really. That's the melodies and the bass lines. I think the history is my second fascination with castles. There are so many random castles all about the European countries. They had to have some sort of purpose, I imagine. A lot of good it is to construct a massive fortress of strength and grandeur and all for nothing at that. No, I'm sure there's a story and a purpose for each structure and every hall and room in that structure. I think that's the lyrics of this song.
K
Work is great today. It's so wonderfully slow. I wish every work day were like this.
Tonight is ShockWave. I'm pretty satisfied with the setlist and I'm excited about church band practice.
Just some random thoughts.
Sometimes when I fall flat on my face before God, I feel absolutely worthless. I feel like I'm not allowed to get back up or like there's no reason or hope. It's a stupid and terrifying struggle and I want to get away from all that. I hope I can maintain all of this. I think I realized that I can't really control anything outside of God's will. That disappoints the crap out of my selfish and sinful self. But I'm just glad someone has control. Better Him than me.
I've been meaning to pick up some copic markers (copicmarker.com/) for quite some time. I have several pictures that I've drawn and I'd like to get them colored and maybe even framed and I think these markers would be perfect if I could learn to use them properly. The whole idea seems like such a blast. My intrigue with art is just another one of those things that makes me a replica of my dad. I don't really mind this as much though.
Somehow I got this idea that there's this special and specific calling, and maybe there is. I don't know at all really, but I learned to rely on that unknown purpose for hope as opposed to God himself. Now my state of mind is that if God calls, I'll answer, but until then I will serve Him where I am right now and I will not back down. I used to think that I don't really have a way of doing that sort of thing. I don't know how to minister to people here. But I see now that God has blessed me with musical talent and I ought to be abusing the crap out of it. I can communicate through music and lyrics better (usually) than I can through just plain talking. I want to worship God. I want to teach others to worship God and show them that it's easier than anything else on this planet. I want to inspire and give people ambition. I want to show people that I am thirsty. That sort of thing is contagious. Fire spreads and light reflects. It's just how things work.
Hmm I have more to discuss, but perhaps another day.
I think I'm going to start posting these in both Blogger and LiveJournal, because I can't decide which to use and I'm just picky. So there.
Tonight is ShockWave. I'm pretty satisfied with the setlist and I'm excited about church band practice.
Just some random thoughts.
Sometimes when I fall flat on my face before God, I feel absolutely worthless. I feel like I'm not allowed to get back up or like there's no reason or hope. It's a stupid and terrifying struggle and I want to get away from all that. I hope I can maintain all of this. I think I realized that I can't really control anything outside of God's will. That disappoints the crap out of my selfish and sinful self. But I'm just glad someone has control. Better Him than me.
I've been meaning to pick up some copic markers (copicmarker.com/) for quite some time. I have several pictures that I've drawn and I'd like to get them colored and maybe even framed and I think these markers would be perfect if I could learn to use them properly. The whole idea seems like such a blast. My intrigue with art is just another one of those things that makes me a replica of my dad. I don't really mind this as much though.
Somehow I got this idea that there's this special and specific calling, and maybe there is. I don't know at all really, but I learned to rely on that unknown purpose for hope as opposed to God himself. Now my state of mind is that if God calls, I'll answer, but until then I will serve Him where I am right now and I will not back down. I used to think that I don't really have a way of doing that sort of thing. I don't know how to minister to people here. But I see now that God has blessed me with musical talent and I ought to be abusing the crap out of it. I can communicate through music and lyrics better (usually) than I can through just plain talking. I want to worship God. I want to teach others to worship God and show them that it's easier than anything else on this planet. I want to inspire and give people ambition. I want to show people that I am thirsty. That sort of thing is contagious. Fire spreads and light reflects. It's just how things work.
Hmm I have more to discuss, but perhaps another day.
I think I'm going to start posting these in both Blogger and LiveJournal, because I can't decide which to use and I'm just picky. So there.
There are many thoughts in my head at present. Some intrigue me and I want to delve deeper despite the horrible timing of it all. Others I would just like to push away for all of eternity because of the horrible timing of it all. I can't really divulge on any of this at the moment.
I applied at a few places around town. I still want a second job. I don't have anything to pay for. If I was pulling in even just 1.5x what I'm making now, I could put so much money away in the bank. I reckon that new car wouldn't be but a year or so away. Oh how anxious I am and yet it's just not that big of a deal. God will provide. Maybe I shouldn't have left Outback and maybe it doesn't make a lick of difference. It is what it is, and God will make the best of my ignorance (or otherwise).
My break just ended so.....
....
..............
okay so
Matthew 5:14-16
14"You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.
I know it's been preached on countless times and there are probably too many songs on the subject, but this really just struck a chord with me. This is exactly how I've felt lately. All I want to do is burn for God and share that fire with others. I read somewhere that being a light to others is like being open with them about God and then they in turn will be open as well. In other words God's light (through you) will reflect off them until ultimately it shines through them as well. It's an interesting little thought to stick on there.
Anyways, I'm still dealing with motivation issues. I think these days it's not that I don't have motivation. It's just that when I'm motivated to follow God, I am immediately throwing up these barriers that are almost reluctant and hesitant.. It's ignorant is what it is.. and slightly aggravating. Beyond that, I have this fire and I just don't know what to do with it. I mean I can continue to thirst for and pursue God but how do I begin to share with others? I guess it will come with time, His desire is for me.
I am feeling terribly ambitious and all-at-once lazy.
It's been good here at CenturyLink.
The holidays came and then they went and suddenly we're not as busy?
Every day I work now I find several minutes between each call and I can surf the web and read my Bible.
I purchased a pocket-sized NIV of the New Testament + Psalms & Proverbs. I'm loving it, so far, and for several reasons. I think the Bible's size is intimidating to me. I have practically zero knowledge of God's Word. I think that I need to read and understand all of it, and then I look over at this thick collection of Sixty-Something books and more stories and parables than I can shake a stick at... It just terrifies me in a way that I'm completely unaware of. So I think condensing it to strictly the New Testament + Psalms & Proverbs, all compacted into a nice little book that I can slip in to my coat pocket, is a great idea and it sometimes seems that I could read it all in one sitting. That is rarely the case because the Bible, despite it's irrefutable truths, is quite keen with appearing an average book and yet the words are so incredibly small with two columns per page and so many foot-notes and references! AH!
The other reason is that it makes it easier to focus. The Old Testament is a story; a history book if you will. Me being the perfectionist that I am, I'd like to avoid just picking up with 1 Samuel or Isaiah w/o properly understanding everything that came before. But Christianity has no room for that sort of picky-ness. So if I just focus on the New Testament for now, then I should be able to get through pretty much all of it whether I start from the beginning or just read some random scripture from where ever. Most of it is just letters to churches with useful advice and things with a small bit of story coming from the first few books.
IDK! I'm enjoying it though and GOD! I feel like I'm getting somewhere
I've been a christian for 20 years and yet my relationship with God is no more developed than my relationship with Ghengis Khan.
That's all I have for now. I don't update much because my life is completely uninteresting in so many ways.
But this pursuit of Christ and all these awkward ambitions and things.. Idk, I just want to share with someone.
Anyways moving on.
I can feel this desire coming up in me. I want to give God everything I am and everything that I have. I'm probably a bit too anxious, but I just can't help it. I'm tired of sitting around and doing nothing. I need to make a change. I realized, though, that I can't get anywhere if I don't even understand the God I want to serve. I've been trying extra hard to read his Word and stay in prayer. I need to learn about God and let Him use me. I can only try to quench this thirst but I honestly don't want to. I hope it intensifies and I hope I can only live my life in His will and no where else. I hope to talk to Jeremy Lowe, Jon Shows, or maybe Pastor Tom pretty soon to see what I can do to be more involved or to.. I don't know.. I just want to do something! Agh!
Here's this verse.. officially the most encouraging thing ever.
Song of Solomon 7:10
I am my beloved's
And his desire is for me.
that i can trust
and will just listen to me
they won't judge, or criticize
they won't assume this, that, or the other
there's no hard-feelings or bitterness afterwards
i just want to talk to someone.
...
in person
i miss you.
And you will be a great teacher with a sincere message
Sincerity births revelation, that is your ability..
And God will place you within impatient people
Friends & family, and you will teach them your patience
You will comprehend God's timing, and move accordingly
Don't give in, wait it out according to God's will,
He will remain faithful.
But most importantly:
Fear God, and Obey His Commands.
I've been made aware of a lot of things lately.
Things that really are strange and new to me
To the point that I'm not even sure how to confront them
I don't know how to handle this feeling for them.
I just want every thing to be alright
really
really
need God
and i really dont even realize it
it's almost like walking towards a line you know you can't cross
but you don't even realize it until you get to the line
and at the point you feel pretty ridiculous
that's how i feel anyways.
i'm glad people can't read my thoughts
i'm the same fool i used to be
i want to at least(!) think positively
i'm sick of this bad attitude
consistent state of hating my life
lately my prayer life has been better
i pray for things, people, stuff.. idk
whatever comes to mind
i do it consistently
just when i get the chance
and it feels good..
it makes me feel better
i'm scared of being happy
climbing a mountain
and at the point the only way is down
i hate being down.. it pretty much defines me right now
i just want to be happy, i need to conquer this fear.
soon, i do think i shall
god god god
i wish i understood you
though i know that's not possible
how randomly and almost unrealisticly
you open doors. doors that i've wanted open for years
here we go, one foot in front of the other and i have you to guide me
it's a wonderful thought really
i feel like that should make me ecstatic and in the least..
happy.
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